It’s too overloaded: the words chosen for the description are too much and a lot of them are meaningless in the scene. It’s not necessary for the author to tell us it’s shocking, when she could just say what is happening instead.

It needs to be more concise and make clear that Edward is sparkling, rather than give us tons of vague metaphors instead.

Fan of Twilight, but I acknowledge it’s not the best literature ever.

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